Keely Burton
Survivor
“When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away your ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.” (Corrie ten Boom)
March 4, 2023 – I was in Memphis for my daughter’s soccer tournament. I was laying in bed that night just trying to relax. All of a sudden, I felt this super strong prompting – a thought so strong that appeared across the ticker of my mind: Check my breasts. Up until this night, in all of my 39 years, I had always laughed at the monthly breast checks my OBGYN would always remind me to do, and as a result, I had NEVER even attempted to check myself. Not once ever, until this night. As soon as that strong prompting came, I didn’t even have a chance to tell myself no because my hands just started checking and feeling around every inch. I started on my right. Nothing there. I went to my left and immediately felt a lump. And even though I had no test to prove it right then and there in that bed – I KNEW, right then and there (because of the prompting that had just hit me and other things that I just cannot even begin to put into words), that what I had found was not a cyst, but breast cancer. And although none of it made any sense to me, I knew immediately that I had just witnessed the working of God’s Holy Spirit, and I knew immediately that I was being prompted to share my journey with others – family, friends, acquaintances, and even complete strangers.
April 17, 2023 – I have always loved having my online medical records available at my fingertips, until this day. I saw my biopsy results hit my online health portal, and there was no way I was waiting for the doctor to call before I looked at them. As soon as I read “Invasive poorly differentiated carcinoma consistent with breast invasive ductal carcinoma,” I knew enough to know that my previous feeling from when I first felt the lump on March 4th was just confirmed and that I had breast cancer. I went on to read “Nottingham Grade 3 of 3. ER+, PR+, HER2 negative. 1.9 cm mass. Surgical consultation is recommended.” I remember running into my husband’s office to tell him. I then called my doctor and left a message about my results and that someone needed to call me ASAP. He called personally within 30 minutes and went over everything in detail, although he told me he would rather have done this all in-person instead of over the phone. I told him I wasn’t waiting any longer for a detailed explanation. After we hung up, I remember closing the bedroom door and just hitting my knees at the foot of the bed. Tears were streaming down my face. I had never been so scared in my entire life, and so I just cried out to God to help me. Help me process everything. Was I going to die? My mind was racing. It was at that very moment when I found myself with my mortality thrown right into my face at the age of 40. And it was at that point when I knew I had to make a decision – one way or another – moving forward. Was I going to try and be in control and grasp at control of my life? Or was I going to lay everything down at the Lord’s feet and tell Him that I was going to trust Him completely NO MATTER WHAT LIED AHEAD? After a lot of wrestling in this particular moment, I made the decision to trust the Lord with EVERYTHING. I casted my cares upon Him. Not just with 50% or 75% like in the past. When things are going well and life seems pretty easy, it is so easy to become self-reliant and think that you can control your life. At that moment, still kneeled at my bedside, I KNEW that He was and is in control of EVERYTHING, but I also realized that He gives me control of certain things: My attitude and how I show up in every circumstance (good or bad) every day. And so that is when I made the decision – that no matter what lied ahead, I was going to have complete faith (not fear) in His ultimate plan for my life, and I was going to live one day at a time (sometimes hour by hour, minute by minute), and COMPLETELY TRUST HIM.
It has been a little over a year since that day on April 17th, 2023. The day I chose to completely trust the Engineer when things were very dark and uncertain. It was a choice only I could make for myself. Over the last year, I have found myself “sitting still and trusting the Engineer” with my life. Was it easy to let go? No way. Am I glad that I did? OH YES! This past year has been the hardest year of my entire life – but at the same time, this past year has been the GREATEST year of my entire life. Some people will call me crazy, and that is OK! How has a cancer diagnosis, biopsies, various scans, a mastectomy, tons of doctor appointments, tons of blood draws, shots, a chemo port, 6 months of chemo, losing my hair (and eyelashes and eyebrows!), and now taking daily medicine for the next 10 years – how have any of these things been “good”? If I were asked this a few years ago, I would have said that all of these things are horrible, in every way, shape and form, and what “good” could possibly come out of a cancer diagnosis? But one of the many things I learned over the last year is that even though I can’t – my God CAN! I couldn’t shrink a Grade 3 of 3 cancerous tumor from 2 cm. to 1.5 cm. to finally 1.2 cm. once it was finally removed (before ever starting chemo.) But my God CAN (and DID!) I couldn’t calm all of the stress, anxiety, and fear that I was experiencing early on, but my God CAN (and DID!) Whether it was going into surgery or going to every chemo treatment, I couldn’t have produced a feeling of complete and total peace on my own (the kind of perfect peace which transcends all understanding). But my God CAN (and DID!) And so, I will continue to trust the Engineer with whatever lies ahead because HE IS FAITHFUL – even when it gets dark.